


and now i’m one step closer to being (two steps far from you.)

by lesbianjeongyeon



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, a little fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 22:50:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10397940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianjeongyeon/pseuds/lesbianjeongyeon
Summary: how many nights does it take to count the stars?that's the time it would take to fix my heart.----“it’s nothing personal, danvers. it’s just that you and I are very different places right now. i'm moving to gotham for college in the summer, and you’ve just realized you’re gay.”“i’m here for you, but right now you just need a friend.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> hit me up @sawyerdnvers.

_ “It’s nothing personal, Danvers. It’s just that you and I are very different places right now. I’m moving to Gotham for college in the summer, and you’ve just realized you’re gay.” _

_ “I’m here for you, but right now you just need a friend.” _

_ “We can stay friends right?” _

_ “Alex, stop!” _

These are the words that have Alex Danvers spinning for three days straight.

These are the words that make Alex Danvers spends the five days following convincing herself that maybe this was a mistake.

These are the words that convince Alex to ignore Maggie for several days following. Alex decides that night, that maybe she’s wrong. Maybe she’s not….she’s not into women the way Maggie is. Isn’t into Maggie.

Maybe she hasn’t made herself yet another kind of broken, maybe she isn’t failing at that either. Maybe she can still feel the same butterflies and softness blooming in her chest, the feelings she got with Maggie, with any other person.

(Any boy.)

She just has to prove it to herself and prove that she can excel at this, the way she tries with every other aspect of her life. This way she won’t have to look at her mother’s disappointment when she tells her she could never love any boy the way she felt for Maggie. This way she won’t have to deal with the town knowing. 

This way, she can bury these ridiculous mistakes so far deep that they won’t ever surface again.

Kara says over and over that just pushing that aside isn’t good for her and that she was so proud but Alex feels nothing but expanding humiliation and an urge to hide every time Maggie Sawyer enters a room. 

But even then, her breath still catches, her heart still beats as fast as always and she always feels the need to reach her hand out and touch, whenever Maggie Sawyer is around.

But Alex was given a very clear explanation of why she was rejected.

She remembers it like the words could have been said two minutes prior. 

_ “I like you, Danvers, but we’re better friends.” _

**_I like you, but not like that._ **

**_You aren’t good enough._ **

**_You aren’t ready._ **

**_You’ll never be enough._ **

Alex’s mind has taken those words and deciphered them for what they really were. Telling her that this was just another thing she wasn’t good at.

Maybe kissing Maggie Sawyer under the bleachers had been a mistake, but if Alex thinks hard enough she can still remember the slight tremble of Maggie, the way her lips were the softest thing Alex had ever encountered.

But none of that matters because Alex isn’t gay, she’s decided she can’t be so she’s not.

She will not allow herself to be affected by Maggie Sawyer any longer.

Not even when Maggie Sawyer has that same deep glare, furrowed brow, lip biting look that she often gets when she’s confused and/or bothered by something.

Not even when Maggie Sawyer gets that look when she’s looking at Alex Danvers and Maxwell Lord.

Not even when Alex catches her gaze from where she’s currently leaning against Maxwell’s chest, his arms wrapped around her, making her feel trapped almost, not even when Maggie tears her eyes away from Alex’s does she feel bad, guilty.

Or at least not anything to admit.

She, however, feels nauseous, and mostly feels like every inch of skin is burning, even more so where her skin comes in contact with his.

Alex tries not to notice the way her stomach tied in knots in a bad way when she thinks about Max. When she thinks about how rough his lips feel against her cheek when he leans down to kiss it. How his hands are too big, too different, from Maggie’s smaller soft ones.

She tries to look apologetic when she quickly rips herself away from Max after he starts trailing kisses along her neck, ducking out of his arms. Not even facing his annoyed glance, she’s too focused on not throwing up.

“What’s wrong?”

“What? Nothing.”

“Sure seems like something since you practically gave yourself whiplash from how fast you pulled away from me.”

“We’re in school, Max.”

“So?”

“So I don’t want you doing that in the same hallway my freshman sister lingers in, she doesn’t need to see that, we can do it later.”

“I thought maybe you’d be over this frigid act since we’ve got a date planned on Friday.”

“I’m not being frigid.”

“Yeah, okay.”

The bell rings for their first class of the morning, which happens to be the only reason that Alex’s clenched fist doesn’t connect with Max’s face.

That and the fact this relationship she has with him is the only thing that’s keeping her in this false normal. In this moment of constant reassurance, however fake it may be.

“Well. I’ll see you later, babe.”

“Bye, Max.”

She tries to hold the internal cringe she feels when his lips brush hers, or when it seems like he wants more than a quick peck goodbye.

She manages to push him away with the guise that they need to be in class, but he smirks and reminds her that they’ll be seeing each other soon enough at lunch, and Alex begins to feel ill again.

But she agrees, nevertheless.

The problem stands, though, she never makes it to lunch, she actually never even makes it to the cafeteria hallway.

Because she as she walks away from the most exhausting AP Calculus class this week, her inhibitions are down, and suddenly she’s being tugged into an empty Chemistry Lab.

Clearly, no one could hear her shriek over the bustle of the hallway, though because within the ten seconds it takes for her to get tugged in there, no one seems to even bat their eye.

Instead, she’s in a dark room, and honestly a little more than annoyed.

“Listen, if you think this is some fucking joke, I’d like to remind you which one of us in the room is notorious for having punched Jamie Cookson’s face last year to the point he needed to go home for the nosebleed that he had.”

The problem with her fake bravado though isn’t that it’s easily seen through, it’s that it crumbles when she hears the laughter in the room.

The laughter of one person who has literally lit her entire body on fire, and made her feel like she can touch the stars, the laughter that she can pick up in the loudest, most crowded room.

A laugh she knows only a few people have heard.

“Danvers, I think everyone knows not to mess with you after that incident. And I wasn’t even here for it.”

“Clearly that didn’t stop you from tugging me into an empty classroom during lunch.”

“Touché .” 

Finally, there’s some light illuminated to the practically windowless room, a shade opened just as a light flickers itself on. 

Alex releases a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding in at the sight. Maggie arms crossed, a frown etched into her beautiful features, and a slight blush still illuminating across her cheeks.

She’s so beautiful, that it’s unfair. How is Alex Danvers ever supposed to stand a chance of getting over her when she looks like this.

But her slightly soft expression morphs into something harder as she approaches, resignation and determination somehow mingle in her tone and Alex would spend her whole life researching why if she could.

“You’re just suddenly dating Maxwell Lord now?”

“Uh -- I, um yeah. I am. I guess.”

Alex and her stuttering reply doesn’t do much to help her current situation.

“So you’re going to suffer through dating that scumbag excuse for a teenage boy to what? Make me jealous?”

Alex wonders if Maggie realizes her mistake in wording because as her own features turn into something harder, her gaze snapping to hers with a glare, her arms crossing as she takes a step forward, Maggie takes one small step back.

“Not everything revolves around you, Sawyer. Especially not my romantic intentions.”

“Well, your romantic intentions seem to be just the start of a problem here. Alex, if you hadn’t noticed Max is a Grade A, douchebag version of a teenage guy.”

“So?”

“Alex, the other day you told me you were gay!”

“I never said that!”

And that’s when the yelling starts and it’s a real wonder they don’t get caught. 

“Alex, you told me that you had never felt right dating a guy and after you kissed me, you asked if it always feels like that, if that’s how it’s supposed to feel. That seems pretty fucking gay to me.”

“And then you rejected me and I realized my mistake, just because I like one girl doesn’t make me a fucking lesbian. Not everyone is like you, Maggie!”

And before she can even retract her words before she can fix the worst, another bell blares, and the two realize that twenty minutes had gone a lot faster than either had realized. 

And Maggie has put on a front that can only be described as guarded, and Alex swallows harshly as she steps closer. This time she’s the one backing up, directly into the table behind her. Hands moving to grip at it to make sure she doesn’t tip over. She’s almost on her tiptoes to put some distance between their faces as well.

“Alex, this doesn’t have to do with you and me, this doesn’t even have to do with me. But you sitting here and lying to yourself, and letting that scumbag touch you? Because you think you’re not normal? Is a problem within yourself, and the quicker you realize it's not good for you to think that way, and that you are very normal. The happier you’re going to be. I’m not going to sit here and watch you destroy yourself.”

And with that, she’s gone, turned around and headed toward her AP Spanish course, that you only know about because at one point having her entire schedule memorized was a joke between the two of you, now it just left an ache in your chest. The whole conversation did.

Things quiet down for the rest of the week, Tuesday rolls into the days following and before it’s even realized Friday night has fallen upon Alex Danvers.

In an hour Max will be there to pick her up, to take her to dinner and a movie back at his place. To probably want something he’s been hinting at all week.

With his hand subtly slipping under her shirt.

With the way, he asks if she’ll wear something pretty for him.

With the way every time they touch he seems to push boundaries more and more.

Alex is no idiot either, she knows the exact kind of reputation Max has with the girls in school, and how he’s been known to put a few notches on the bed post.

And as she looks into the mirror, she can’t help but shut her eyes to try and stop the tears from getting to her. Again.

Maggie had been right, and that had been the worst part. Maggie sat there and called her out and here she was still trying to maintain this faux romance, to prove that she couldn’t possibly anything but straight. That she just got her college gay phase a little early, but that’s fine, more time to study in two years.

What she hadn’t expected was a knock at the door. 

“Come in, its open!”

She expects Kara because her mother is at a late night at work, it's why it worked out like that. Though she should have known better, because when has Kara ever knocked on her door in the last three years that she’s lived her after the adoption.

“You look beautiful.”

And those three words, that’s what has Alex turning around so fast she almost falls over.

“Maggie…”

“Kara let me in.”

“What are you doing here? You’ve done a pretty good job at ignoring me the last few days.”

It’s a jab and she knows it, but the way that Maggie’s lips form into a sad smile makes her almost feel guilty for saying it.

“Look, hear me out Danvers - Alex, just listen alright? And then if you want to spend the next five months not talking to me, we can do that. We’ll ignore each other, and I’ll pretend what happened between us was a joke, nothing too serious.”

Alex can’t really find her voice at this point, but she gives a shaky nod, and Maggie takes it. It’s already going better than she had expected anyways.

“I don’t - I don’t care for a lot of people. I haven’t since I moved here because it’s hard for me to trust people and you know that. But Alex, I care about you. And I think - I know that you cared about me. Might even still, but watching you do this. Go with a guy who quite frankly isn’t worthy of you in the slightest. No one is, but that’s not the point, doing this because you think it’s right and I’m not even able to talk to you? Sucks, Danvers. I care about you, and I don’t think I can imagine getting through high school with a sound mind without you by my side. And I just really hope, that we can figure this out because I kind of need your friendship.”

The laugh she gives is humorless, and it pains Alex’s heart to even hear it. It hurts even more to see the nervous look on her face, but at the same time, she feels some sort of satisfaction. She knows for certain now that, yes, Maggie was jealous and upset, that much was obvious.

“I don’t think I can be your friend -”

“I- I get that.”  
  
“You didn’t let me finish. I don’t think I can be your friend. But maybe we can figure out something else to call ourselves in the long run.”

And the smile that Maggie gets, soft and still unsure, makes Alex swear that she must be the human embodiment of the sun. That she must be the cure for cancer. Something.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay, Danvers.”

And the smile you return as you duck your head feels all too familiar, especially when the butterflies beat in your stomach.

“Are you….still going to go out with him tonight?”

“Hmm? Oh! Oh god no, but um -”

“Yeah?”

“Did you wanna maybe go to our pizza place and get a slice or two? On me?”

“Will I get a round of pool while there?”  
  
“Always.”

“Then there’s nowhere else I’d rather be, Danvers.”


End file.
